A wealthy man dies, and goes to his afterlife. He arrives in a beautiful world, where a kind-looking man is waiting for him in an impeccable dress suit.
The Suited Man says, “Welcome to your afterlife! You are now immortal, and cannot die. Your body does not need to sleep or eat, but it can eat, sleep, or do anything you’d like forever. Anything you want, you can have it instantly. If you have any questions, just let me know and I’d be happy to help you.”
“Well first,” says the Wealthy Man, “can I have an ice cream sundae?”
“Certainly,” says the Suited Man. An ice cream sundae appears in from of the Wealthy Man, who eats it. It is the best ice cream sundae he has ever tasted. He’s not full, so he asks for five more and eats them. He realizes that he can create and eat sundaes forever, so he does this for the rest of the day.
Quite happy, the Wealthy Man turns to the Suited Man again. “I want to make love to the most beautiful woman in the world,” he says.
“Certainly,” says the Suited Man. The most beautiful woman in the world appears in front of the Wealthy Man, and they have the most incredible sex he’s ever had. Much like with the sundaes, he realizes that he can go forever and never get tired. So for seven days, he makes passionate love to the most beautiful woman in the world.
Satisfied, the Wealthy Man now takes a moment to think–what to do next? “Ah,” he says, and turns to the Suited Man. “In life I was a great business man, but I never had the time I wanted to study art. I want to be the greatest painter in the world.”
“Certainly,” says the Suited Man. The Wealthy Man is now the world’s greatest painter, and he paints masterpieces the likes of which have never been seen, all with blinding speed.
Realizing that something is missing, the Wealthy Man turns to the Suited Man and says, “I need admirers, some people to look at my paintings.”
“How many would you like?” asks the Suited Man.
“How many can I have?”
“As many as you’d like,” says the Suited Man.
“Well, all right, how about a million?”
A million fond admirers appear, spreading out in all directions. One by one, they come to look at the paintings and admire the Wealthy Man’s incredible skill. For years they come, all having long conversations with and praising the Wealthy Man, who is very happy to have so many fans.
Eventually, though, he tires of just talking about paintings. So, in turn, he asks the Suited Man to make him the world’s greatest musician, the world’s greatest architect, the world’s greatest sculptor–on and on through all the art forms that he can think of, and a few that he makes up on the spot. He spends 100 years having millions of admirers come to see and talk about his creations (all of which he makes with blinding speed), and acknowledge that he truly is the greatest in the world.
The Suited Man makes him the world’s greatest athlete, and he wins every game he plays without any difficulty. He becomes the world’s greatest chess player, and defeats all opponents with ease. He becomes a leader in business, and builds the world’s greatest company in a day.
Finally, out of ideas, he turns to the Suited Man and says, “What else is there to do?”
“I don’t know,” says the Suited Man.
“Okay,” says the Wealthy Man, “I know. Make me God.”
“What does that mean?” asks the Suited Man.
“Well, I want to be in control of the whole universe,” says the Wealthy Man.
“Certainly,” says the Suited Man, and the Wealthy Man is granted control of the entire universe.
“What should I do with it?”, the Wealthy Man asks the Suited Man.
“Anything you’d like,” says the Suited Man.
Not quite certain what to do, the Wealthy Man entertains himself by creating huge flashes and fireworks beyond imagination. He creates planets and destroys them, builds suns and blows them up. He creates legions of followers who instantly comply with his every bidding. He creates beautiful panoramas of stars and galaxies, and then throws them all out of alignment just for fun.
After all this, he turns to the Suited Man, and slightly nervous, he says, “Okay…what now?”
“Well, whatever you’d like,” says the Suited Man.
“Well, how about we play a game of football, but I’m not perfect and none of the players are perfect, but we all have some fun?”
“I’m sorry sir, you can’t do that,” says the Suited Man.
His tension increasing, the Wealthy Man widens his eyes slightly and whispers, “What?”
“Yes, sir, I’m sorry, but nothing is allowed to be difficult for you.” says the Suited Man, calmly.
The Wealthy Man starts to panic. “Well, then…I…I want to die. I want to leave this place. I want to go somewhere where I can have some good opponents or play a hard game.”
The Suited Man looks understanding, but says, “I’m sorry sir, but you’re immortal. You can’t die. And you can’t leave this place–there’s nowhere else to go!”
Screaming in terror, the Wealthy Man says, “This is not what Heaven is supposed to feel like!”
Smiling politely, the Suited Man says, “Who said this was Heaven?”
Max Kanat-Alexander 